[Editor’s note: With the holiday season underway, this presentation by best-selling author Bruce Feiler was more than timely. Yes, the post is long, but it has nuggets that just might provide great food for thought.]
Let’s be honest. Oh, hum, what else is new? But did you know there is a strange family made up of Father Time, Man In the Moon and then there’s Ma Nature? Gee, what a diva! She and her kids — thunder, lightning, hail, sunshine, breeze, dewdrops and the rest of herd — can really make or break a fundraiser?
So, Wednesday, November 4, the old gal was hogging the evening newscasts with threatening conditions. Hmm, did she cut a deal with the local newscasters? After all, the local newscasts were in sweeps (October 29 –November 25). Was Mama Nature doing the drama queen presentation? WFAA’s Pete Delkus went into OMG mode doffing his jacket and looking like he was commandeering the Enterprise with Colleen Coyle at his side, Ashton Altieri doing social media and retired WFAA-er George Riba reporting from Texas Motor Speedway. No problem evidently as the 6:30 newscast seamlessly transitioned to Entertainment Tonight.
But the North Texas fundraisers carried on. Mary Anne McCree admitted that the weather was gonna be a challenge the next night for the Flora Awards benefiting the Texas Discovery Garden at Fair Park, but her kids would taking care of transportation and the table was going to be filled with her kids.
Still, the Communities Foundation of Texas team proved that they knew how to appreciate their supporters. They held the annual Fund Holder Appreciation Dinner with a memorable speaker and such guests as Kay Bailey Hutchison, John McStay, Becky Bright, Lottye Brodsky and Bobby Lyle.
And while the swells were chatting it up in the reception area, CFT President/CEO Brent Christopher, speaker/New York Times “This Life” columnist/best-selling author Bruce Feiler and CFT Communications Director Carol Goglia were prepping for Bruce’s talk. Somehow the conversation turned to such things as battling cancer. Patting his left leg, Bruce talked about his own battle with osteosarcoma that started in 2008. Actually, best-selling author Bruce not only beat the cancer, he ended up writing “The Council of Dads” in 2011. The book deals with his arranging for six men, who had been instrumental in his life, to “look out” for his three-year-old twin daughters if he didn’t survive.
Speaking of his family, he revealed while he was in North Texas for CFT, his wife/Endeavor CEO Linda Rottenberg was just a couple of days away from orchestrating an Endeavor fundraiser in New York City with Diane von Furstenberg.
When the doors opened, Brent welcomed the group and warned them that they wouldn’t be asked for anything. It was to thank them in making CFT so successful in providing funds for the area. He recalled how at a meeting in Miami, the Silicon Valley Community Foundation CEO reported it had raised $8M in the Bay area. Brent couldn’t help but add that the 2015 North Texas Giving Day brought in a record-breaking $33M thanks to the people in the room.
Bruce then took over the podium, opening with a story about how one of his twins, who were now 10 years old, had been in a play as a witch on trial in Salem earlier in the day. Alas, she was “convicted 4 to 3 and given the death penalty. So, there are a lot of blood-thirsty fifth graders in Brooklyn…We’ll miss her. So, my family has gotten smaller.” But he would still go on to talk about happy families.
Perhaps it was with the holidays approaching that his talk seemed so appropriate — the secrets of a happy family.
In his own family, the issue of estate planning has become a major topic with his father in his 80s and “deep into Parkinson’s.” Every year his family gathers for two weeks at Tybee Island near his hometown, Savannah.
[At his wife’s suggestion, Bruce advised his audience that for years he’s been writing about “happy families, not because I had one but I wanted one…We’re not writing from a position of strength but from one of weakness.”]
The various family members had different various issues. At the first night’s dinner, Bruce asked his adolescent nephew to stop his texting. Kaboom! His sister snapped at him for admonishing her son. His mother said none of the children had any manners. His brother said while the children were around they couldn’t have an adult conversation. His wife “went to the kitchen to get ice cream, which is exactly what her mother would have done.”
Later in the evening, his father told Bruce that the family was falling apart, but Bruce protested. The next morning Bruce asked Linda, “Who do we turn to, to make sure our family is going to work?”
The result was years of researching and two books to provide the information, “What do happy families do right? and “What can I learn from them?”
In setting out on this search, he promised his wife that he would only bring home actual things that happy family are doing. He promised himself not to talk to therapists and not to cram all he had learned into “one of those handy lists.”
However, he confessed he was going to present his lightning round of non-list list of ideas. He doubted anyone would agree with all, but if they tried just three of them, they would have a happier family.
- Adapt all the time. A study of 1,000 children and their parents was conducted asking what would the children want of their parents. The parents said the kids would want more time with them. The kids said they wanted their parents to less tired and less stressed. One of his suggestions regarded the Sunday evening meeting of the family where three areas are addressed:
- What went well in the family this week?
- What didn’t go well?
- A vote is taken by the family on which two items are going to be worked on.
This allows the children to be interactive in the family happiness by picking their own rewards and punishments.
- Talk a lot about what it means to be part of a family
- Create a family mission statement that will stimulate progress and preserve the core.
- Have family dinners. The U.S. is #33 out of 35 countries where the family dinner is being held.
- Talk about money. 80% of children go to college without having ever spoken to their parents about money. Some parents don’t want to “burden” their children with financial issues. However, it is more beneficial for a child to learn “when the stakes are low” than later in life.
- Tell your family history. According to research, children who know more about their family, have a higher belief in controlling the world around them. It was the #1 predictor of a child’s emotional well-being. There are three types of family narratives: 1. Descending — Due to circumstance, we lost a lot; 2. Ascending — We came from nothing and are now successful and 3. Oscillating — Family who experienced ups and downs of life experiences. This group knows that they can overcome hardships.
- Go out and play — Younger people have a different understanding of philanthropy, resulting in a tension between generations. All families have conflict. The goal is to reduce the conflict. Find some time to have fun with your family, whether it’s cooking, playing a game, etc.
Quoting the opening line of “Anna Karenina” — “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” — he concluded with “Happiness is not a matter of circumstance. It’s a matter of choice…The secret — try.”
Kersten says
You’ve made many, many great posts this year, Jeanne, but this one is my favorite by far. GREAT. Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving!!
Jeanne Prejean says
Kersten, I thought Bruce’s findings were so on target and perfect for the season. Am thinking about giving his book as an early Christmas gift with the note to open and read before Christmas. Who knows? It might make a Christmas get-together life saver. Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving and keep up the great work at Dallas CASA.
Carol Goglia says
Thank you for reminding us what’s important in life. Love your (and Feiler’s) last line.
Thankful for you, Jeanne.